2002-12-15 - 9:14 p.m.

Now playing: Super Furry Animals, a Welsh pop band my coworker Jenna introduced me to.

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Today I went to the memorial service of a stalwart of our church. Mrs. Scheumann was one of the only people I liked there - she was genuine, and not phony at all. She helped start what is now the Western Mass Food Bank and in general was just a nice person.

My childhood church is gone, replaced by a somewhat gauche minor monstrosity. The sandstone altar and large hanging (very plain) cross have been removed; the organ and the choir are now in that space at the front of the church. The focus of the room is along the right side, where a plain wooden table serves as the altar. The pews have been replaced by arcs of padded oak chairs with kneelers. The yellow translucent windows are now clear glass. How many agonizing Sundays did I spend there wishing I could just see out the freaking windows? I didn't take Communion, just because I thought it would be too strange. I knew God wouldn't mind, but I am too unsure of my beliefs at the moment to participate in that, I think. And all the while I was thinking about that in church, I was thinking that even with such questioning in my soul, I should take it anyway, because who knew when the next chance I would have would be, but I decided against it since ultimately it just didn't feel right.

It definitely wasn't the church of my childhood, and that saddened me, surprisingly. I never really gave a hoot about Saint Mark's after I stopped going around age 13 or 14 because I thought they were a bunch of phonies.

There were maybe 10 or 12 people I recognized. Nobody would have recognized me had I not been there with my father and his girlfriend. It was good to talk to a few people, especially my former piano teacher. It was very odd seeing her son, Melanie's former major heavy-duty boyfriend from 20 years ago, there as well. He was in the car in front of me as we pulled into the parking lot, and we both got out at the same time. I didn't recognize him, and he was looking at me, and asked me if I was me. My first thought on seeing him was "Was he always so short?"

So, as usual, Dad embarrassed me, first by blowing his nose in the sanctuary, and then by not going through the receiving line. Mrs. Scheumann's family was asking about him, and all I could say was that I didn't know why he didn't go through the line. *sigh*

I'm glad I went. I wish Mom could have gone too, but she was busy doing her weekly penance with Granny.