2001-11-05 - 8:44 p.m.

Now playing: "Once I Was Mighty" by Martina Sorbara. What a great song, on a great album.

===============

Today Dad asked me for money.

I hate this.

I HATE THIS.

*Just* when I had gotten a $500 buffer in my checking account - so that I wouldn't quite have to live paycheck to paycheck anymore - away goes $225. *sigh* I was also going to finally reinstate my renter's insurance policy. There goes that idea for another month, if not longer.

Can I just say how much I hate it? How I hate that Grampa gave Dad money all his life? I don't know if Dad has ever known the satisfaction of a job well done and well compensated. *sigh*

No answer yet from the western sisters about cashing in our benefits from Grampa's life insurance policies. They're separate from the trust, so we four kids, the named beneficiaries, can access them now. What I'd like to do is give half my share to Dad and keep the other half. I think Melanie is leaning the same way, with the possibility of her keeping more of her share.

I also am thinking of giving Dad the payment book for the college loan he took out for me, if and when a disbursement comes through. I don't even know how many thousands of dollars I've paid on what was originally a $1600 loan which has ballooned out of control because he didn't pay it, dumped it on me, and then I didn't pay it to spite him. Well, the good news for me is that it's not in my name. I'd feel kind of shitty handing it back to him...but...he should feel even worse for handing it to me in the first place.

The problem is, whose word is more important? His to me in 1992 that he hoped he could help me out financially someday, or mine in 1997 or 1998 when I said I would pay the loan to spare him more trouble? I still feel like It Is A Great Wrong to me. I try not to, I really do, but I just can't help it. I have paid *so* *much* money for so little - for 3 years of life experience - for no degree. It makes me want to sob now just thinking about it. A quarter of my income now goes toward student loans, and for what? What gain have they gotten me in life? Sure, I learned the basics of the skills I use now for my job while I was in college. I matured a lot in college. I made great friends in college. But was it worth $30,000 plus interest? I guess it's a moot point, as it is in the past.

In regard to all this Grampa money, I'm trying so very hard to be cool, rational, and mature about it, but it's so hard. All my life I've had what has felt like a disproportionate amount of shit thrown at me. Maybe it's just that I'm lazy and scared. Well, I think I know why I'm scared - I'm scared of not having security, and I don't have the self-confidence to believe that I can be successful wherever I am. That I don't have to stay at the job I have where I am about 50% underpaid compared to the regional average. Maybe lazy isn't the right word. I don't want to disrupt my current situation which works in favor of the unknown.

*sigh* I need a vacation.