2001-07-18 - 10:58 p.m.

now playing: nothing.

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I'm still in shock that Karen doesn't trust me to be managing trustee for Grampa's trust. It's a purely paper-pushing position. I'm stunned and flabbergasted.

She says her feelings on this are based on how I conducted myself when I moved out of Grampa's house - that because of the family historical pictures I have, that I can't be trusted to be fair and split everything evenly.

At this point, there's nothing to split.

I'm at a loss. I don't know how to respond. To have my character questioned like that. It's cut me to the quick.

I want to say to her, "Fair and even? Okay. Did you help me clean his house when I moved in to get it into salable condition? No. Where were you those six months?"

"Have you been there for the past 9 years when I was purely at Grampa's beck and call? Anytime he asked me for anything, I dropped whatever I was doing and did what he asked. Where were you?"

I shouldn't be feeling this. It's not a competition. I have helped Grampa out of love and compassion, not out of a desire to be "better" than anyone else.

But.

It still hurts.

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Other than that, not much is going on. I'm meeting the trust firm people at Gpa's apartment on Friday at 9 so they can take an inventory. I was really hoping to get Dad not to go (Mel, if you can help out here at all I could use it)...but he seems to think he should be there. He is just dying to read Gpa's will and trust. I'd like to say it's making me sick, but I'm beyond that point. I just want the whole thing to be over and done with.

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I told Ginny tonight that her staying at my place on Sat. night with her two kids would be a really bad thing. I feel guilty about it. I know she wants to visit her dying aunt. I should be able to suck it up and have her here. I told her if she couldn't work anything else out, that she could stay here.

OTOH, why am I not allowing myself to say No with a clear conscience? Why do I feel guilty about this?