2000-08-22 - 8:30 pm-ish

Why are my upstairs neighbors choosing *now* to vacuum? Freaks.

now playing: Ravel, or Debussy, I can't remember, "Daphnis et Chloe." Yum.

Someone very close to me who reads my diary said that she's still searching for fulfillment. This makes me feel better. Is it attainable? I'm not sure. I do know, though, that I won't find it at work.

It was such a gorgeous day outside today that a coworker and I went outside for a few minutes this afternoon to soak up some sun. A fire drill, we called it. Anyway, she was asking me if I'd thought about getting a new job. I haven't...but I told her that I'd take a new one if it offered a lifestyle-changing increase in pay. I like what I do at my job, but I hate just scrimping along. I hate worrying. I hate worrying about my parents' future. I hate having to do the whole need-vs.-want thing when I'm out shopping. I'd like to be at a place in my life where I can move beyond those issues.

The only problem is that I'm lazy. Well, not lazy. I work hard. But things in my life, no matter how hard I work, just seem to end up not happening the way that I want them to.

I guess it all comes back to the pain of having to leave college. I don't think people realize how much that affects me still. It was the happiest time in my life, and I had to leave it, even though I did everything I could to avoid it. I know I sound like I'm whining, I should just take my own advice and Get Over It, but damn it, it's still an albatross around my neck. Why can't I go back, or take courses locally? Don't have the money while I'm repaying the loans.

There I go again, being lazy and making excuses. *sigh* If I were in therapy, this would probably be a good thing to talk about. But therapy scares me.

Maybe what I should do is use this diary to at least air out some of the crap that's in the linen closet of my soul. I'll have to think about that.