2000-07-26 - 20:47

Well, I've not yet figured out why the time and date are wrong when I write a diary entry. *shrug* Not too much of a hassle to change each time, but still.

So I still don't know why I caved and created this thing. I've been of the opinion that an online diary is an oxymoron - diaries are supposed to be private, you know? Having them online totally destroys their raison d'etre. (No, I don't know the fancy HTML for the correct diacritics.) I guess it was reading the online diaries of Amanda, Ellen, and Karen that led me to this - I feel like I know them somewhat better by reading their diaries, so I guess I'd like to let people get to know me better, too.

It's been so long since I've had anyone to confide in, I'm afraid I'm out of practice. Maybe it's the fact that I was just recently with my best friends in the world, first my college friends in North Carolina, then my Fruvous-related friends at Falcon Ridge. I was really happy at both get-togethers, so maybe this is an attempt to prolong that happiness as long as possible.

So Emile, Granny's 90-year-old boyfriend of 16 years, is dying. That man was as dumb as a bag of hammers but he took such good care of Granny..without him, her life is going to be much more difficult, and my heart goes out to her.I took her to the hospital yesterday to visit him in the ICU, and the man I saw in the bed there bore no resemblance to the Emile I remember of just a few months ago - *that* Emile was hale and hearty, light years away from Grampa, who is a few months older than Emile. Granny alternately sobbed and laughed, and talked to him, and held his hand, and kissed him. It was heart-wrenching, and I went through a good number of tissues wiping away the tears and blowing my nose. The doctors weren't especially optimistic, saying he could go at any time - I guess he had two strokes - but yet I haven't gotten a call yet from anyone saying anything.But am I brave enough to call Granny and see if there's anything I should know? Not yet...maybe when I get offline.

The events of yesterday just proved to me how little I've had to deal with death and how much it terrifies me. I was only 10 when Papa died, but he'd been sick for so long that I hardly knew him anyway. Same with Gramma..her mind started going when I was 4, and she was in the nursing home when I was about 10, too...never really knew her, so it wasn't very emotional when she died when I was 16. I think I had only visited her like 7 or 8 times anyway; Dad never took me there - but Mom did. But when Granny and Grampa die, for surely they will someday, even though it doesn't seem like it, I know I'll be a wreck. Heck, same with when Mom and Dad do.

Well, now that I've depressed myself, it's back to IRC.