2001-06-06 - 8:58 p.m.

Now playing: (It took me *forever* to figure out what people meant when they were saying NP) ummm...Otome no Policy from Sailor Moon Orgel Fantasia. Click here to see the CD.

I've downloaded a shitload of Sailor Moon music over the past week - CDs and CDs worth. I *really* wish I could remember the Japanese lyrics, because they're earworming me, and all I can do is hum or la-la-la along.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

So between quitting smoking and not being on Zoloft anymore, I've been pretty miserable lately. I'm trying to tell myself that it's a fake misery and that I can endure it - that it will go away as time goes on. I sure hope it does. Being on Zoloft left me so...gray, and I'd hate to go back to that bland existence. However, my concentration and motivation at work is pure-dee shot. I've *got* work to DO, but I just can't seem to do it without the utmost of effort. And I'm not sleeping well, either. *sigh* Classic depressive symptoms.

=-=-=-=-=-

On top of all this fun, there's family crises galore. First, Grampa has been moved to Assisted Living at his retirement home, a move which he is pissed about. I won't go into the long of it, but the short of it is that it looks like we will have to clean out his apartment and soon. I don't have the will, energy, or motivation to do that. There's nothing much of his that I want, and I surely don't have room for anything else.

I know I'm being purely selfish. But you know what? I'm sick of being the person everyone needs. I'm sick of being the one people call for help. I'm sick of giving! When was the last time someone in my family did something nice for me? I can't even remember. Maybe last summer when Karen sent me a Hawaiian shirt to celebrate my vacation in and mailed it to me in North Carolina. That's a long fucking time ago.

As long as I'm letting it all out...there are times when I wish Grampa and Granny would move on to the next plane of existence already. They've had rich full lives and it's time for their progeny to not have to worry about them anymore.

And I feel so guilty for thinking that! I love them both dearly, and when they do go, I know I'll be inconsolable for days.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The last weekend in June is my cousin Beth Ann's wedding in Vermont. I want to go to the wedding. I do not, however, want to go to Alicia's 6th b-day party the following day. I feel like a sod. But I've never had a good time at any of her birthday parties.

*sigh*

Everything sucks when you're depressed. Oh! I posted this already and had to come back and add this. Family crisis #2 is my niece Bethany in Phoenix. The poor little girl - she's 3 and a half - is autistic. Now she's proving to be majorly epileptic, too. She's been to the emergency room every weekend this month. Her parents know the EMS techs by name and they all recognize each other. Poor Bethany, and poor her family, too. I don't know how my sister Jen copes with it all, I really don't. Growing up, my sisters made so much fun of her for being all femme and goofy - but she's a real Steel Magnolia. It breaks my heart...they have so much to deal with. What makes it worse is that there is *nothing* I can do for her.